April 1, 2023

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Wanking Simulator

Wanking Simulator…no that isn’t a typo!

This review is definitely NSFW but we are all in Lockdown so read away my friends...read away!
by The King

Upon hearing about Wanking Simulator I was instantly like; give it to me, I need to play this!
I watched the trailer(above), it looked like madness! It was crass, it had you punching cops and bashing the Bishop, literally and figuratively. 

My first play of Wanking Simulator (developed by Ultimate Games) had me giggling and wanting to play more, but then I found out my powers of masterbation did not keep me safe from the advances and shovel handed punches of my enemies, whom by the way, have no chill. 

The missions were somewhat unclear at the start and the mini map took a little working out, but once I did I was able to complete the first mission, as previously mentioned, I was then hit by the enemies and everything restarted, my cash level, the missions, all the destruction I caused, everything. 

Wanking Simulator

The game wasn’t rocket science and with a bit of logical thinking I was to figure out the process and how best to carry them out, for example,One of your missions asks you to take LSD, you know for shits and giggles. But then where do you get the LSD from, I ran around town, broke in to houses, killed people and furiously wanked over their corpses…. No LSD!!! 

I then happened across a policeman swaying wildly and wearing a gas mask, so I did the obvious thing and approached. Turns out HE was the one selling the LSD!!! 

There were a few scenarios like this that required a bit of patience and some exploration and for the most part this was fun, until you got whacked by the huge crossdressing Ultimate Warrior looking mofos, and then everything started from scratch. 

This began to become a little tedious, it transformed from what seemed to be a rather light hearted and whimsical game based on the tale of a gay guy who has lost his home wanking his way to retribution, into a dark souls esque feature, without the epic monsters and bosses. 

Wanking Simulator

I feel that if the deaths would not completely reset your mission status once completed that this would make Wanking Simulator a lot more enjoyable and manageable. This would still allow for the game not to be a cake walk but still allow for the comedic value to last longer and for the game to be enjoyable. 

Visually the game is decent, nothing major to write home about but also not a pixelated mess with no style, the characters and the settings remind me very much of a first person Sims game. 

Story wise, I believe they have put some effort in to the story from what I can see and that adds to the comedic tone of the game and would be quite funny without it but makes it even more so and will likely add to the longevity of it. 

So in summary if you are looking for a wacky game to sate your desire to masterbate over the fallen bodies of police officers then this is right up your street, But, with a few tweeks to the game play and the story or how that story is saved it, can be a fun and enjoyable game for all (Adult’s) to play but admittedly, I lost interest in the game after 4 attempts at playing it.